Just a Little Faith
Just Call it Faith
Doubt is a purveyor, haunting my nightmares, killing my dreams
sitting on my couch confused, my sad tears turning into screams,
Internal queries appropriating all of my logical schemes
I challenged faith, I questioned God, putting doubt on His regime
How could my baby, my babies, be given these conditions?
Could I petition God on this take, for His imprecision
Why did He choose my girl to play the part in this rendition?
There was no audition, no permission given for this mission
Like wadding against the tides, I felt like I was drowning
Sinking below the darkest depths, no one could see me frowning
Her broken body laid there, weak and frail, anger surmounting,
The tears were real, her cries were deafening, yet resounding
I can’t help but cry while writing this, the emotions are raw
Like a wild minx she was, full of life, about to be declawed
This buzzsaw overcame my resolve, her world became a seesaw
Teetering with death, within the grasp of the reaper’s claw
I hugged her so tight, she was like me, this tragic effigy,
A cruel trick of biology, this small husk with complexity
But that’s my little girl, I’d give my life to give her stability
It breaks me every time she can’t fight her fragility
But she is allowed at least that, she is allowed to break
Hell, I’ve be broken for years, but I pick myself up each take,
Each time the world crumbles around me, and my heartaches,
I put the tattered pieces of my soul in some type of keepsake,
A reminder that there are many people worse off than me
Worse off than my baby girls, worse off than my little man can be
It’s tough though, this life has no guarantees… no olive tree,
No olive branch extended for health, or a dais to disagree
I felt like my pleas had fallen on deaf ears, to a deaf God…
But I understand His take now, there is beauty in being flawed
There is something there that heartens all of us for being odd
That calls on us to not just show empathy to those declawed
But to encourage them to fight, to conquer, to manage anything
To teach them to play the trombone, the strings, even how to sing,
And let them know they can be anything they want, a queen, a king,
that diseases won’t stop the world from seeing what they have to bring.
It was then that I realized, God gives you what you can handle
In patience, this miasma of stray thoughts can straighten from shambles
Toward a path of clarity with just the first step, the brain will unscramble
And purpose will own the spotlight to become the new prime example.
The deck had seemed stacked, the dealer seemed as some sort of swindler
The world’s weight was around all of our necks, I could feel the ligatures
Too many HIPA forms, I said, are in place now, and have my sloppy signature
I had wished when my family went to hospitals, that it was just as the visitor
But this is my life now, filled with copays, needles and 504 plans
Social anxiety, autistic acceptance and brilliance, and irritable bowel scans
6 a-day insulin shots, Stelara for Crohn’s, and sugar free sauce in the saucepan,
And me being the type 1 diabetic, trying to be the best father I can.
I still die a little each time she cringes from her shots, or he feels lost,
Or the middle girl can’t seem to leave the bathroom at any cost
Those ghosts in my mind still haunt me, like it’s on me their disease-embossed
But I realize now, it’s my job as dad to give them that hint of normality’s gloss
With my blurred vision settling in, I see it, growth, determination,
One taking her own blood sugar, my middle one quelling frustration,
My young man, with real friends, a straight A’s student with aspirations,
So I sit back and accept God’s plan, with grand and renewed expectation
~
For more works by this author see Paul Neglia on The Creative Exiles.
https://www.creativeexiles.com/author/pauln/
You can also see more great work by Paul Neglia on HubPages.
https://hubpages.com/@pnknucklez
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This is powerful. I’ve read it several times and found new things each time. Being a parent isn’t easy, is it? We have to accept all sorts of things and do the best we can, hoping they’re the right things, hoping the children are ok, no matter what is thrown at them (and us), trying to help them as best we can.
I feel the father’s pain, anguish, and finally his resignation that mirrors pride of their accomplishments and acceptance of his lot.
Great poetry and a deep, strong portrayal of emotions.
Ann
I thought I got past all the hurdles, my son is super high functioning autistic, extremely smart but suffers in the social realm. He finally found a group of friends that he gets along with. My middle child has crohns we went through hell finding a medicine that works but finally we found one, she still has some minor issues but ok now, then my little one got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The roller coaster of emotion I went through thinking its my fault only was extremely difficult to handle. But I saw her start taking the bull by the horns with testing herself and I came to the realization that maybe I did something right, maybe I taught them to be strong no matter what, that it’s ok to cry if you need to. I’m learning new things every day about parenting and I am more than proud of how my children are handling themselves and their challenges. I appreciate your kind words and comments Ann. Thank you.~Paul
It is easy to feel your sadness and frustration in these wonderfully written words, Paul. It must be difficult seeing your children have to deal with these conditions. My daughter suffered from severe athsma throughout her childhood and was dyslexic and suffered learning problems largely due to the amount of medication she had to be on. Yes, God makes us imperfect to make us stronger and to have empathy with others. I have always struggled with the words “God only gives you what you can endure,” but we have to take strength from that. A touching write.
I think that phrase is one of the most difficult to accept. Just because I can endure it why does it have to be me to do so. I only hope the roadblocks placed in their way, make them stronger. I already see progress and determination so I can only hope that strength continues to grow. Thank you John for your kind words, I hope your daughter came out a stronger person as well.
Yes, my daughter emerged as one of the most artistically talented people I know. She only has to observe something once, and if it interests her she can master it. I am very proud of her achievements. She has her own online business.
That is amazing to hear John. It gives me a hope that my babies can succeed amidst adversity. Thank you for sharing that, I appreciate that.
The last line says it all…through all the pain and hardship and hourly coping/managing all needed medicines…there has to be a reason…a light at the end of the tunnel? The healing decisively hasn’t arrived yet but will come. Surely, it will come! With a father who cares this deeply. You wait expectantly, but knowing that you have made it this far. Perhaps each of your Little Angels were given to you…because you would hang in there every step of the way until they get better or become as strong as you have been…through it all…while leading them. I will pray that the Lord brings healing to all your young ones…and continued strength to you (and your whole family) . Most definitely…this is my prayer.
Steve thank you so much, I appreciate the prayers. Definitely need them. I still believe that we are all here for a reason and the trial and tribulations we go through either destroy us or make us stronger. I am hoping for the latter for all my kids and I hope to be there to guide them along the way. Thanks for your response Steve.
Paul this poem is incredible. I am a father of three children myself and I can relate to so many of your emotions here along with emotions I would feel. Thank you Paul for sharing your heart. Jamie
Jamie, thank you so much for your kind words. Lol, it was tough enough when they outnumbered my wife and I, bur when they came with their own beautiful baggage it became almost overwhelming, but I think it has made us stronger, and I hope to continue to grow in stronger and patience. Thank you again for your kind words Jamie.