Alzheimer’s – One Man’s Vehement Resistance
Impassioned resistance…
Understanding the human condition but unprepared
When someday, suddenly becomes this day
The false-positive moments of the past becoming more frequent
And the confrontation with the inevitability
On a collision course with my reality
Thankfully, the signature hasn’t yet dried
Contractual events resulting in a series of lost moments, which are…
Obvious, for now, only to me
Self-examination of my remaining cards and the lack of leverage
And the dilatory decisions
Revolving around how each should be played
Evidence of my deteriorating faculties,
Those captured splinters of time which are somehow missing
Their vanishing mercifully bordered with guiding facts
But when I’m mentally stepping backwards with utmost care
Slowly reversing the wheel again and again
Searching in vain for frames that sometimes won’t appear
Myriad emotions of the void, poised almost traumatically
Awaiting the tipping point; the moment when nothingness is enough
Setting the spinning roulette wheel to breakneck speeds; round and round
And abruptly stopping on an empty frame; headlight eyes
Focused on the fearful thoughts that betray my confidence
Self-awakening sleeps at the switch
Until then, an extended dance of continuance
Internal frustration still manageable despite the growing cloud
Each step drawing closer to the demarcation scar
Preparations for future phases where the empty spaces
Populate themselves with mendacious synapses and distorted waves
Returning with false imagery feigning as memories
In steadfast resolve; unaccepting of the obvious infiltration
Faculties gathered to defend against changeling memories;
Doppelgangers with mysterious intentions
Assaulting my streams of consciousness
Carefully creating their multi-layered reasoning, their mental teasing
Indistinguishable from reality
Further blurring my mental clarity
Injections of randomness; confusion and disorientation
Perpetually replacing importance with frivolity
Forgotten periods lost to never-ending sentences
Obstacles of my Mind’s Eye
No longer movable and cartographically devoid
The threshold of total confusion waits patiently in the swirling void
Muted shapes and faded colors reassembled without guidance
Measurements of uncomfortability; self-doubt the only certainty
The woven tapestry of imagination and investigation, lined with fright and fear
Yields a kaleidoscopic quilt of unintended situations and recollections
While security is objectified as a useless blanket, my sanity skips along a knife’s edge
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How very difficult and heart-breaking it must be when one is fighting so hard to avoid a disease that could wipe away memories. Very well phrased and emotionally felt piece, Ralph. Great work.
Very in depth feeling of alzheimers. Such a terrible disease taking all the things we think are precious. Great write Ralph.~Paul
Such a sad demise Ralph, which I have experienced through family…beginning to end. A faithfully rendered understanding of the illness and its path. So well rendered my friend. Kudos.
Most emotional poetry. This is one of the greatest heartbreaks that can be.
Alzheimers Disease is one of everyone’s greatest fears. This was a very in-depth and well-written poem on the subject.