Summer has this innate sibilant sound, like the high pitched rasping of a cicada, and even without them I seem to hear this, as it equates to my summer experience since childhood. These sensory memories replay in our brains constantly and often I don’t know if its real or memory, but to me, it is the sound of summer.
The sky is cloudless, windless and laden with light, the sting from the sun palpable, and any creature of moderate intellect is in the shade, out of the intense radiation. With the buzzing in my ears, I seat myself inside to relax for my session. The shed is like a sauna this afternoon and here around 3.30 pm is the hottest part of the day. Inside the house its air conditioned and relaxing, the sound of the fan the only minor distraction.
I’m thinking about loneliness, and how it so often disarms me; feeling isolated and too much in my own head can be wearing at times. I am an enigma, social one moment, and quite withdrawn the next. I guess my mood fluctuates and my frame of mind determines my adeptness in social situations. Being highly sensitive can be a burden, as you see through so much of people’s attempts at honesty, and see what really lies beneath. I have met people with whom I cannot share even an open space, and must leave. I’m fed up with dishonesty, egocentric grandstanding and those who simply manipulate in order to bolster their own thinking and intent. I don’t look for it, but cannot ignore it, so in many social situations I am not comfortable. What I don’t need is some-one else’s thoughts tainting my own. Mine is quite enough to handle. So, as a result, I choose carefully what I attend and with whom. Needless to say I don’t go out much, and prefer to remain in a controlled environment to assimilate with my intellectual pursuits and writing.
The feeling of loneliness is really a travesty, as we are never alone, and in another sense, always alone. We choose to share our lives with loved ones and friends, but in stark reality, we are individual souls of unique substance, and simply relate to others, but remain separate. We are never alone because all of life, down to the atomic level, is the same, molecular arrangement marking the changes in form, whether it be a rock, a plant, a simple organism or a complex human being. Life is abundant in the air we breath, everything we touch, we see, we experience, and in that sense we are never alone, and so individual, that no other organism can be even remotely like us. Loneliness in a physical sense, can be the lack of physical touch or affection, or a conversation that evokes the sharing of ideas that stimulate.
Many people feel isolated in this world, feel that no-one cares, but life rewards us with how we invest in it. Often it is we who need to connect for our own sake. Should we discover and understand a broader perspective of life, that we are simply a part of a huge expression of continually evolving matter, then maybe our self-centered concerns would be lost in the magnificence of life’s potential. When we find this commitment to life, we find more and more connections to it, as a consequence. The more we understand, the more we will want to aspire to a more sharing life, surrounding ourselves with like minded people. Sitting, feeling sorry for ourselves is just a plan of stagnation where nothing can change. Loneliness can be a thing of the past. Again this is a choice, be a ‘victim or survivor.’
Being divorced for over six years after a twenty three year marriage, I have no compulsion to marry again, certainly not at my age. But I do miss the companionship and female perspective in my life. I will not go through online dating or what is expected to find someone these days, as I just get shattered by the desperation and pretense of people fearing being alone. I’ve tried it and I just can’t do it again. Perhaps a chance meeting will find me the right person to share my life, but it won’t be forced by me. I remain happy in myself and with my writing, having reared five children and now enjoying my grandchildren.
Loneliness is not an option, and believe me when I say my cat has given me more love and affection that any other being on earth, and continues to do so. Remember love is just not one thing or another, its a way of life. The rewards are within its doing and can never be quantitative, for love is endless, having no bounds or limitations. Learn to love all life and you will find love in abundance.
Tony DeLorger © 2017
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