Regrets – I think it is good to look back at our lives from time to time and try to learn. Today I look back at my life with Jeri my ex-wife. Good or bad and now pushing 60 years of age I now wear my emotions on my sleeve for all to see. So here we go – When folks say they have lived a life without regrets, I truly do not believe them. I think it is normal and part of the human condition to have a few regrets of the life we have lived. None of us are perfect and look back and wished we had not said or did something from our past. I know that I am not the only one that feels this way.
My biggest regret in life was my marriage to Jeri. Not that I had married her for it thrilled me at the thought of being her husband. My regret was because I at the time did not understand how to keep a marriage stable and loving. I had no role model to pattern my life or my marriage off of. Not an excuse, just the cards that fate had dealt me.
I have been in love a few times in my life, but it is my love for Jeri that I will always use as an example of how the feeling of love should be. In fact, it was I that let my marriage to Jeri falter. I failed in keeping a good woman happy. At the time I blamed her and blamed everything else, but in reality it was me. It is in my nature to be a lone wolf and no matter how much I try to conceal that it eventually comes out. I have come to accept it for what it is.
One thing I have no regrets about is that Jeri became the mother of my three children. Eric, Matt, and Larisa. My children are all successful in their own right and are caring and loving beings. Jeri is a wonderful mother and grandmother to our grandkids.
Over the years Jeri and I have remained friends and on speaking terms. This I also have no regrets. Alfred Lord Tennyson said it best, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
First time I saw you were young and just seventeen,
Absolutely the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
Remembering that day, just like it was yesterday,
Hoping to never lose those memories I hope to pray.
You answered the door, and I was mystified,
Little did I know within the year you would be my bride.
To be a good husband, I had no role model to show me the way,
My father was not one I ever wanted to portray,
What you saw in me I will never know,
But my honor was to become your loving beau.
In the beginning we gave into our hearts,
And my adoration for you flew off the charts.
Time stood still even if it was only within my mind,
At the time the stars and the moon were properly aligned.
At the end of December we walked the walk,
On that long ago Christmas Eve day at three o’clock.
Jeri you were so beautiful in your wedding dress of white,
All I ever wanted to be was your shining forever knight.
We vowed the vows on that so long ago winter day,
Hoping to be forever yours until we both turned gray.
Over the years there was the sound of little feet,
Of three wonderful and beautiful children we got to meet.
Our marriage was never perfect we both have to say,
The roller coaster of living life came into constant play.
We gave hearts, made the start, then life took a fateful turn,
Marriage needed more than love – sadly I had to learn.
To match the moments of joy, there were moments of hurt,
So many in fact there was no way we could ever avert.
In the beginning we had come together, then we fell apart,
And in time we broke each other heart.
Looking back- differently I should have handled it,
At the time the lone wolf in my just didn’t have the grit.
The urge to run became so overbearing,
Wrongfully the cowboy in me saw no repairing.
Now years later I have so many regrets,
Sometimes the memories and hurt are as bad as it gets.
As time has passed the wounds and memories have healed,
Pushing sixty I finally have learned to lower my shield.
We still see each other for children and now grandchildren we share,
Even though we will never be again—I will always love you I declare.
The fate that our marriage and our love took, I am no longer sad,
Just grateful for the almost 20 years we had.
Kurt James © 2018
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