Situational Humor Do’s and Don’ts

Situational humor can be amazingly hilarious, or, give you that uncomfortable deer-in-the-headlights feeling that leaves you hanging in the balance waiting for an impending disaster.   Either way, most of us will simply wait it out to see how things progress in a potential funny situation.  Sometimes we humans just need to pay attention to how other people perceive our words or actions, beforehand. A momentary delay in saying or doing something can make a world of difference and can potentially save your bacon from extreme embarrassment or ridicule.  Speaking of bacon, there are some situations which may sound funny but most people avoid, such as not frying bacon in the nude or spitting in the wind; most would agree that they are good pieces of advice, so we’ll be skipping over them.  However, there are some things that you could possible do that might be perceived differently than you might think, so take that extra second before you speak or act.  And, since no one has the market on humor cornered, please feel free to put as many additions to this piece in the comments.

Public Behaviors To Avoid

Men – do not even consider walking into a bathroom, restroom, or other private place carrying a ruler or other measuring device…I think you can figure out why…

-Sometimes two topics just don’t mix as well as you might think.  For instance, don’t discuss the “Happy Ending” of a movie you recently saw, while you’re walking out of a massage parlor…

-Never and I mean NEVER, walk out of a public restroom sniffing your fingers…..no matter how good the hand soap smells, it’s not going to work for you…

Guys – again; don’t ride on the back of another man’s motorcycle with your arms wrapped around his waist and please don’t even consider resting your head on his back…if you need to ask why, check out the movie Wild Hogs

-Don’t go streaking if you are really out of shape, really old, or worse, really old and really out of shape….for multiple reasons and then some and then some more…hurry and get the eye bleach!!!

Ladies (and I guess now some men) – Don’t go commando while wearing a dress on a windy day; that cool feeling you have keeping a secret might get “cooler” and less secretive than you expect.

While Being Naked

If you are the type of person that enjoys being naked, well then I say have at it!  However, if you live this lifestyle you’ve already learned that there are certain to-do things and certain not-to-do things.  Outside of the obvious, not-to-do, things, like cooking bacon (again with the bacon references, right?), going to pick your kids up at school, or stopping to sit down on the asphalt (ouch,) a park bench (can you say splinters,) or a nice spot in the grass (ants don’t care that you’re naked.)  Now that your minds are hovering over the gutter, here are some other things that might give you a moment or two of  voracious laughter if you saw someone else doing them, but you know you’d never try yourself

-Don’t play paintball while naked, or try to rock climb, or play twister, or any other games which require lots of running, jumping, or spinning around…those er, eh, ah parts that you know…hang off….might get bruised…..or worse.

-Don’t weed whack your lawn (or anyone else’s lawn for that matter…)  And yes, I’m avoiding the “whacking” jokes while talking about nakedness….although I can’t seem to figure out why, because now everyone is thinking about it.

-Guys….don’t practice jumping the hurdles….or play leaf frog….or do anything else that might damage “low hanging objects”  (OK, I couldn’t resist a quick one.)  And there your mind goes again….naked….quick one….gutter.

-And please, for the sake of everyone else, do not take photos of things you want to sell on-line while naked – there are too many reflective surfaces out there and too many people who would happily exploit your moment of “accidental exposure.”

When Riding An Elevator

Elevators seem to get more attention than we’d expect them to.  Maybe it’s the up/down thing (and there you are, still thinking about the nudists) or the fact that they present a unique situation where privacy is guaranteed but no one is certain for just how long.  It makes me wonder just how many people did unspeakably funny things in the closed confines of an elevator without realizing that a security camera was likely filming the entire episode.  (YouTube here I come!)  And before anyone thinks it, yes, the top thing not to do is pass gas while in an elevator, but there are so many more worthy tips.

-Even though it looks fun, please don’t push every button on the panel before you exit the car.  It’s funny when you’re six or seven, but not so much when you’re late for a meeting and you meet a situation like the picture on the left.

-Don’t jump up and down in a moving car, or encourage others to jump up and down – I’m not really sure how much fun it would be anyway unless you equate elevator rides to amusement parks.  Plus, you do know that there is a cable holding you up right?  And a long, long. long, hole underneath you right?  (sorry, I know some of you are still hung up on the nakedness part of the text and my mention of both hole and long in the same sentence has derailed you and you’re back to re-reading the nakedness part…..I’ll wait.)

-And just because I’ve had the unfortunate luck to have seen some of the following, I’m sharing them (again, you may want to keep that eye bleach handy.)  Keep all activities pertaining to personal hygiene away from elevators – this means no clipping your nails (especially your toe nails,) don’t apply makeup or dye your hair (ANY hair, including your head, armpits, or …..down there), and don’t brush your teeth (where are you going to spit?)  Also that “Love in an Elevator” idea might sound like fun, but it’s likely going to get you one of the following: a citation, an STD, or some unknown infection that will likely give you some newly minted phobia. (Just in case you were curious, the answer is yes, elevators are one of the germiest places known)

At College

College.  The last great opportunity for most people to “express” themselves with abandonment; to scream at the top of their youthful lungs and dance like no one is looking.  Where each moment seems like it lasts forever (unless you are cramming for that chemistry exam tomorrow morning) and every encounter can be life-changing.  I remember those days; well at least some of them.  But, even though most of you won’t listen to this sageful advice, I need to share it anyway (and before you ask, no, its not a lesson plan for fun antics.)

-Don’t, do not, never ever, not even for a second, not for any amount of money, on a dare, or for love, should you get so intoxicated that you pass out at a frat party. There will be future memes made of your “post-party” pictures.  Likely lots and lots of them if you should happen to be in any state of undress.  (I’m not even thinking about it)

-Everything on campus is politically incorrect; if not, wait a few minutes and things will change.  Therefore, do not make fun of anything, do not give your opinion on anything, and it’s usually best to wear non-descript clothing with no messaging.  (You’ll be the coolest “Orwellian” on campus in fashionable grey with grey accents and grey accoutrements)

-Don’t engage in a “physical” moment anywhere outside of a double locked, barred, chair-under-the-doorknob, safety chain on, secured area, or you’ll likely be loudly interrupted, often with photographs, and possibly someone taking selfies in your vicinity.  The likelihood of this increasing depends on how naked you are, which can be a bit…distracting.

-And if you happen to get lucky, please for the sake of everyone involved and your personal dignity – DO NOT, Don’t, no way should you ever  take after-sex selfies…..no explanation is necessary.  AND, even if it was mind-blowing, don’t say “thank you” to that person (or persons) who helped you get there…..

Now, I bet you need to use the bathroom after laughing so much….so go before you make a mess on your couch.  and yes, you can re-read this again and laugh some more when you get back!

humor

R J Schwartz

I write about everything and sometimes nothing at all.I'm fascinated by old things, rusty things, abandoned places, or anywhere that a secret might be unearthed.I'm passionate about history and many of my pieces are anchored in one concept of time or another.I've always been a writer, dating back to my youth, but the last decade has been a time of growth for me.I'm continually pushing the limitations of vocabulary, syntax, and descriptive phrasing.
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R J Schwartz

I write about everything and sometimes nothing at all. I'm fascinated by old things, rusty things, abandoned places, or anywhere that a secret might be unearthed. I'm passionate about history and many of my pieces are anchored in one concept of time or another. I've always been a writer, dating back to my youth, but the last decade has been a time of growth for me. I'm continually pushing the limitations of vocabulary, syntax, and descriptive phrasing.

6 thoughts on “Situational Humor Do’s and Don’ts

  • August 25, 2017 at 5:23 PM
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    OMGosh! I have not laughed this much in a long time. This is great, Ralph. We all need a good belly laugh once in awhile. The things not to do when naked – so funny. I will have to remember not to fry bacon during those times I am feeling wild and free. And the “ups and downs” about elevators, and ” (sorry, I know some of you are still hung up on the nakedness part of the text and my mention of both hole and long in the same sentence has derailed you and you’re back to re-reading the nakedness part…..I’ll wait.)” Well, you did have to wait while I went back to the nakedness part. LOL I cannot think of anything to add to your “Do and Don’t” list – I am still hung up on your nakedness part. If I think of something good, I will be back. ROTFLMAO!

    Reply
  • August 26, 2017 at 7:36 AM
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    What an uplifting posting here Ralph. Its great to break the ice and throw some subtle humor into the fray here, like Phyllis you certainly had me laughing along with you I’m sure as you penned this situational comedy of errors that us humans often are confronted with. I loved the getting Naked part, I am a nudism promoter, why not, we came into the world naked. But your right, we have to be careful what we expose, how much of it and where. The human body comes in all kinds of shapes and definitely can be an eyesore to many when letting it all hangout in the wrong places and time. Ouch is right to the bacon, thank goodness I don’t fry when I’m neked. Being a vegan, I have to be careful of the blender and hotpot though, gotta protect those jewels indeed. I chuckled with the sniffing of fingers when leaving a washroom, I’ve actually done that after washing my hands, wanting to know what kind of soap they were using, then wondered what the guy behind me was thinking. But heck he was the guy writing grafitti all over the toilet walls, so why should be be concerned, right? George Carlin could have penned this wonderful scribe Ralph, he is my all time comedian and this is precisely his type of material. We all do strange things, I have done a few of my own. For instance, being a hockey player, now retired. I use to play Old Timer late night hockey. One late night, after leaving the ice, having too many brews in the locker room with my mates, went home a little pie eyed, crawled into my floating waterbed back in the day, my wife shifting about, I felt like I was waving it out. I guess the water moved my bladder about too much. I did some sleep walking, apparently headed to my dresser drawer, opened the one with my shorts and sock and began pissing away. My wife woke up and yelled at me, what the Hell are you doing? I apparently smiled tucked myself in and cuddled back up on a welcoming wave. Strange things us humans do for sure. lol I loved every word, thanks for the chuckle Ralph, we need them to distract us from some of our gloom. Bravo.

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  • August 26, 2017 at 2:50 PM
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    I’ve actually had this on my desktop for months, adding little bits here and there as they struck me as humorous- luckily for me they all came out in a such a nice monologue. Thanks

    Reply
  • August 26, 2017 at 9:41 PM
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    Great fun Ralph and we all need a little more humor, what with all that goes on in the world. Well written and brightened up my day. Thank you my friend.

    Reply
  • August 27, 2017 at 2:26 PM
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    Love the humor Ralph, I am the guy that laughs when he shouldn’t…lol…loved this piece..

    Reply

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