Having lived with a narcissist for over twenty three years and not having a clue, the aftermath has been even more challenging than the realization. I dream endlessly of simple conversations of past, but with the added knowledge of what’s behind it. Often I wake in a lather of sweat feeling worse for ware but I do notice something different. The circumstances I dream about end in a different scenario, me saying no, that’s not how it will be at all, and taking change for myself. I guess this is my minds way of resolving the damage done and reversing my responses, standing up for myself.
I was never a soft touch, but more easy going and non-confrontational, and back then I honestly did not see what was really going on with my partner. We often ignore the obvious just for the sake of peace, and believe some watered down version of our partners behavior, because it’s just too difficult to face the possible reality. ‘Love is blind’ can be very true, and being a forgiving person and also a positive one doesn’t help when reality is starkly in your face. So I admit I did all this in spades, thinking the best and hoping for peace and quiet. That was not to be so.
Her take on life, her experiences, her venting, blame and so-presumed innocence came tumbling down after she decided I was holding her back in life. The truth began to reveal itself and the lies this person told her family and all our friends was beyond my comprehension. I lost virtually every contact I had apart from my children. I’m a very passive person, it takes a lot to get my angry and it rarely happens. My dear ex-wife told everyone how violent I was, that she so often had to lock herself and our children in rooms to protect themselves.
Personality wise my wife and I hardly ever clashed or argued about anything, and we may have raised our voices but a couple of times over our twenty three year old marriage. So it was quite a shock when I found out what she’d being saying about me. Also after an adjustment period, I made peace and we were friends for a time, sharing our children’s well being in a positive relationship, I thought. All this time, disguised behind smiles and cordiality, she was dissemination these lies and tearing my life to pieces.
Then I watched her do it to her own mother. She turned all her siblings against the mother who had done nothing wrong at all. She then met someone who supported her delusions. Together they now enact a life of manipulation and hurt, all driven from their own inadequate lives. Now, in front of my eyes, a full blown narcissist appears. She lives in such profound delusions, believing her own twisted lies and is as deeply evil as I could never have imagined. Her own children are overwhelmingly shocked and now very weary as she has lied and lied to them also, trying to emotionally blackmail them for their support.
Until you are faced with having lived with a text book narcissist, you just can’t imagine the damage they cause. For me, her leaving saved me, and knowing what I do now, the residue of negativity is slowly being cleared away, and I’m thankful. My dreams just indicate that the past is being resolved and let go. I now devote my life to writing, and in peace and harmony appreciate my every breath and opportunity to learn. I don’t blame or hold onto contempt, rather try to see how my ex could have become this person. But in the end, these are her choices and she has her own path in life. I choose to not have any part in it, as you would expect.
Tony DeLorger © 2017