Valentine’s Day Humor
Love is in the air and will be center-stage next week as Valentine’s Day approaches. Wallets will open, flower shops will be working long hours to fill customer orders, and retailers will have aisles of all things red and pink front and center, ready for the weekend shoppers. This special holiday allows people to share their feelings with a special someone, or in today’s day maybe multiple people. Traditional exchanges of greeting cards, flowers, chocolate, lingerie, and stuffed animals all rank high during Valentine’s Day. Fancy restaurants have been booked for months and hopefully stocked up on champagne, truffles, and other delicacies. Everything around Valentine’s Day comes up roses.
Some fun facts about the holiday. Valentine’s Day is the second top greeting card holiday behind Christmas with millions of cards being exchanged; much to the delight of the leadership at Hallmark. Over 50% of them are purchased in the 6 days leading up to the holiday, which might make it a leading procrastination holiday. Teachers receive more Valentine’s Day cards than any other group, with children, mothers, wives, sweethearts, and pets rounding out the list; yes, pets get cards and gifts. Also, 189 million stem roses will be given as gifts, over 220,000 proposals for marriage will be popped, and over $1 billion will be spent on chocolate. There will be plenty of romantic dinners, champagne, love-making, stuffed animals, and probably a lot of poetry happening too. Romance, romance, romance, kisses, hugs, and more romance will be the topic of the day, right? Well, stop right there because we’re not covering any of that lovey-dovey stuff in this piece, but instead look at some of the humorous cards and phrases that have emerged over the years; probably most are created by someone who was alone on any given year. Some of these are a bit risqué, some a bit borderline disgusting, and others are a bit, well you get the idea. Hope you enjoy them for their humorous side!
Humorous Statements about Valentine’s Day
-Nothing says “I Love You” like dead vegetation, alcohol, and fat-laden sugary sweets
-May your Valentine’s Day disgust all your single friends
– If I had to live without you, I’d shoot myself….in the foot of course…I love you but I’m not stupid
Cards that are Blunt (but too funny to not list!)
-Happy Valentine’s Day to the person I slept with most recently
-This Valentine’s Day, I want to control your body as much as the Republican Party does
– Happy Valentine’s Day to your Butt – since it dials my number more often than you do
– Happy “Exchanging Flowers for Sex” Day
– Let’s role play – You get naked and I’ll pretend that I’m a sincere, loving, committed, boyfriend (girlfriend)
– Don’t know what’s gotten into me lately….maybe this Valentine’s Day it could be you
– Someone’s got a secret admirer….it’s not you
-I’m on a diet, you’ll just have to buy me jewelry this Valentine’s Day
-I love you with all my boobs this Valentine’s Day…I’d say my heart, but my boobs are bigger
Cheesy but Funny wanna-be cards
-If you were a booger, I’d pick you this Valentine’s Day
-I’d love you even if you were so ugly, everyone who looked at you died
-V is for Valentine Vodka
– There is no one else I would rather lie next to on the bed, while dressed, while being engrossed in my phone other than you
Being Alone on Valentine’s Day has morphed from a time of deep sadness to one of sarcasm, humor, and borderline cruelty.
-If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember that you’re alone every other day of the year too……doesn’t that cheer you up?
-Here’s to hoping “snowstorm preparation” is why you’re stocking up on batteries right before Valentine’s Day
-If you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, try leaving the office early just to make everyone think you’re dating again…….good idea, huh?
-If you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, just keep thinking about all the marked down chocolate you can pick up at the store tomorrow……….sounds tasty, right?
-If you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, just think of all the money you’ve saved….that’s sound financial thinking right?
-I won’t be spending my Valentine’s Day alone. I’ll be with my bottle of wine.
-My Valentine’s Day date runs on batteries…..
-You said you would die for me…now that we’re broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise
– I hate Valentine’s Day…unless you’re free tonight
-This year on Valentine’s Day, I’m having a threesome – me, Ben & Jerry
– I’m spending this Valentine’s Day with my X……Box 360
-May your Valentine’s Day manhunt be more successful than the FBI
– I told him I wanted a facial for Valentine’s Day and before I could say another word he started taking off his pants and had a huge mischievous grin on his face…..needless to say, I’m single now
Sexy….or a touch narcissistic
-Happy Valentine’s Day to the woman who single-handedly raises my family’s suspicions about my sexual orientation
-Happy Valentine’s Day to the couple who always welcomes me as their third wheel
-Wishing you and your blow-up doll a happy Valentine’s Day
-Happy Valentine’s Day to the sweet, sexy, and kind version of yourself you have on your Facebook profile
-Just because I cleared my browser history doesn’t mean I was on-line Valentine’s Day shopping
-I’m still wondering why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day – a cute chubby toddler with a weapon is the last thing on my mind when I’m thinking romance
-alentine’s ay – for everyone who won’t be getting any V or D this year
Professions of Love
-If love is blind, then why is so much money spent on lingerie for Valentine’s Day?
-Love is blind….marriage is the eye opener
-My love for you burns hotter than my urinary tract infection
– Valentine’s Day is when a lot of people are reminded of just how bad a shot Cupid really is
-I got a job at a local restaurant just so I could put fake engagement rings in every drink they served on Valentine’s Day
– I’m a Valentine’s Day carpenter – we can get hammered, I’ll get some wood, and then nail you
-Taking a Valentine’s Day Fishing trip? – hope you catch lobsters and not crabs!
Valentine’s Day Poetry
-Roses are red, bullets are lead, take me back on Valentine’s Day, or you may end up dead!
-Roses are red, so is my wine, fill up my glass, and we’ll be just fine
-Roses are red, violets are blue, I just got my period, so too bad for you!
-Violets are blue, roses are red, just take off your clothes, and take me to bed
-Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka and Netflix, costs less than dinner for two
-Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m using my hand, but thinking of you
-Roses are red, I’m horny so just take off your clothes
-You’re gorgeous and sexy, and stuck in my head, I love that your funny, and also good in bed
-Roses are red, cactus are thorny, Valentine’s Day, makes me so horny
-Roses are red, violets are blue, I have an STD, and now so do you!
-Roses are red, violets are blue, keep the flowers, buy me some shoes!
-Roses are red, violets are blue, you weren’t my first choice, but I’m horny so you’ll do
-If you think your wife has a good sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to sink full of dirty dishes…..then duck!
-I try to do a public service each Valentine’s Day….this year I’m bringing my little children out to dinner with us on Valentine’s Day as a reminder for everyone to use birth control
-Favorite Valentine’s Day Cake mix? Betty Crocker “Super Moist” of course
-Whenever I hear sirens on Valentine’s Day all I can think is that some 50 Shades of Grey kinky stunt went really wrong
-I wish I could trade my heart for another liver, so I could drink more and care less
The list could go on perpetually, and that’s just taking into account the clean and semi-clean ones. As far as the really risqué ones, well, I avoided really going “there” and avoided most of the trashy lines, even though some were quite funny. Hopefully you’re wiping a few tears of laughter away after reading this, and even better you’re adding some lines I’ve missed to the commentary. Nothing personal to all my professional poet friends, as our skills are always in high demand around Valentine’s Day; sometimes we need to just think humor instead of romance! Happy Valentine’s Day!